I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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