Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
