There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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