it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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