The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
