God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
