You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
