**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
