I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
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Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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