I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
