the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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