If i come over, it means nothing
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
