I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
