That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
