Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
