A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
