Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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