I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
