i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
