I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
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