You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Randomize
