apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
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However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
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Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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