call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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