youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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