Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
