if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
