wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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