So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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