Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
