I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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