I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
