My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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