i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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