why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Is Oprah even human
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
