Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just found puke in my bra..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
