I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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