this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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