remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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