I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
