I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
