Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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