Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
