the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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