omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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