I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
