you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
