I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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