You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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