oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
