I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
