I am in a vortex of obligation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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