This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
