We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
