I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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