Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
